my scale has to be wrong. it said I weighted 132 yesterday, which is not too unbelievable, but today was 131.5, which makes no sense. I've been eating like a prize-winning hog lately.

okay, yesterday:

-tall starbucks cappicinno (or however you spell it) with nonfat milk
-kraft mac'n'cheese (I was at my friend's house)
-a cheese butterburger from culver's (SEE)
-and fries (SEEEEE! FAT BIG PIG!)

ugh. anyway, so I don't know what is happening, I double-checked, but it was still... 131.5. whatever. uhm. so today I've had a 100 cal pack of fruit snackssssss. blah. whatever.

ok, I'm down to 132, I don't know by what miracle. last night was crazy. monica and I met these two guys at Christman's art studio/bar and we ended up back at jake's (the cute one) apartment. we drank more smirnoff ices and took jake's dog for a walk in forest park. in the rain. at one-thirty. then, since we were all wet anyway, we hopped in the bathroom, which was convinenty filled with hot steam. oooh, hot, right? well, tops came off, bottoms came off, and the boys got completely naked, while monica and I stripped down to our undies (we were on our periods- sad).

anyway, it was crazy, but nothing more happened after that. I just wanted jake to kiss me, but he didn't. ugh. so cute. oh my god, so gorgeous.

I haven't posted in a while. for the record, although I have been eating like a pig, I am still at 133.5. I think my way of dealing with subconcious stress about leaving for college is to just... eat.

yesterday was an awesome, awesome day. well, it started with shopping with my grandma, which yeilded a sweater and jeans from american eagle, an absolutely adorable skirt that had been marked down from 126 dollars to 40 at splash. then I got some awesome, awesome, awesome ugg boots for cold, snowy iowan winters. yep. went home and planned on having my friend pick me up to go shopping for going-away presents. she's carless as well. her sister is back from middlebury and has the car, and my car is in the shop. I realize I have cramps and... AH my period. crap. take a nap and later wake up, my friend decides to pick up sus first, then me. this would take like... fifteen from monica's to susannah's, twenty-thirty minutes to my house. half-hour later, susannah calls me "she's not here yet! oh wait, there she is." so I wait. an hour. an hour and a half. call monica up "yeeeah, where are you?" "oh sorry, we went to spicer's and then got lost... but we are getting closer to your house..." "where are you?" "skinker." (I never make these calls and I'm really upset and it shows) "oooookay" "OK, BYE (all nasty like)"

so I freak out, thinking that she is mad at me, even though it is not at all unreasonable to be upset if someone takes two hours to collect two people and to not call me. so I cry. it was ridiculous. but the rest of the night was fun. we threw water balloons at each other, played frisbee, softball with a tennis ball and such in tower grove park. then we took my dad's convertible and went and ate at sonic. it was so fifties. decided to camp out, but ended up sitting on a tarp outside and making smores over susannah's grill. then aliza came and we had to say goodbye. so sad. she's leaving for israel and won't be back until april!

anywayayayya.

weed is a terrible thing.

if you were to observe me this morning, this is what you would see.

playing with my cat on my mom's bed. suddenly jumping up and running to the bathroom and stripping down. stepping on the scale and yelling "WHAT?" moving the scale and checking again. moving the scale and checking for the last time.

132.5. which means I lost a pound since yesterday? my body = crazee.

this morning:

-one mini bagel, toasted (130)
-cream cheese (100)
-green tea (0)

the bagel this morning was awesome.

I finally weighed myself, naked, in the morning today. still at 133.5. oh kay. not freaking out because I've been eating like a hog lately. I suppose this is my set point? how can you even figure out your set point?

this is not my set point. I'm just not losing weight because I'm eating too much. duh. ugh.

anyway, today I measured out my special k again and ate maybe half the bowl... I just wasn't hungry! (this reminds me of in wasted when she talks about all the girls moaning "I'm not hungreeee!") but I really, just wasn't hungry, it was making me sick.

I was at the store yesterday and I felt like puking everytime I thought about eating something. so I didn't buy that much. light ice cream (ok, is edy's grand light not heaven!?), fat free milk and more special k.

so I just ate some lunch/dinner because my father's uncle grand in law something or other is in the hospital and he and my mom were going to go visit him and eat dinner and such. I said I wasn't going to go, and that was fine because I don't him at all and it would be depressing. so I figured I could only eat the dinnery lunch I made...

anyway I ate a lot, so fuck me.

so it's been a bad few days, as it always is.

saturday was a party at my boy's house which meant vodka, and unfortunately pot. the weed gave me the munchies and made me so disconnected from everything... I have a bug bite on my wrist and I just kept scratching it until it actually bled and now it's all fucked up.

anyway, today I did okay. no bingeing. normal lunch- pbj and chips, normal dinner- chicken and salad, which was already over my calorie limit that I have chosen to ignore for the past few days. then I went out and got ice cream with my friends. I ate only about 60% of it, which was good. I suppose.

so yesterday I ate a lot. I thought I had eaten just like... 3000 calories but I added it all up and it was really only a bit over 1000. that's insane. I seriously ate like a completely normal person yesterday, three meals and one at a fast food place! how are people supposed to eat TWICE that amount. it's... icky.

anyway, I didn't weigh myself this morning naked... but I weight 134.5 with my pj's on. so goodbye 133, my pjs probably only weight half a fucking pound.

I have a stack of reading material that I cannot enter unless I eat under 800 cals everyday. the new jane magazine, the anthropologie catalog, the j crew catalog, and middlesex which is by the same author who wrote the virgin suicides and is excellent. but, I can't read any more of it, unless I stick to my plan!

so I was doing fine (about 400 cals) until I decided to go out and we obviously got dinner. dinner was not bad:

-raw tuna (about 150 cals)
-sticky rice (also about 150)

not bad at all. then we got ice cream- I got peanut butter cup, which had, albeit delicious, but fattening ribbons of straight peanut butter in it, I looked up the calories because it was edy's and I'm geussing with the portion size, that I got at least 300 cals. so I'm up to 1000 cals. ugh. then, like five hours later, I was leaving my friends house and she had these AMAZING brownies out and I had one, because I HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL. it was a pretty small one, but still. at least I stayed under 1500 cals.

oddly enough, I weighed 133 this morning. soooo, that's good.

today I've had my bowl of special k and that's it.

so this morning I weighed 134... yeah. it doesn't bother me that much because I know I'm on the right track now. but it was strange. maybe the like ten minutes of weights I did on monday somehow pumped up my muscle and made me gain half a pound? it doesn't seem likely, but whatever. I am still sore from it.

anyway, today I've had a bowl of special k (160 cals).

I also can sleep now. at regular times, should I say. I fell asleep at midnight last night, yay! and got out of bed at 11, instead of 2. then I showered and did laundry and hung up all my clean clothes... definetley burning calories. anyway, I want to go out somewhere, so I think I'm going to head off to borders, even though it's like... 100 degrees outside. ugh.